MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
April 30, 2008
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen c arefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done …..Your turn
Educational emails
April 30, 2008
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…
Have a wonderful day…
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
April 15, 2008
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it ‘In ‘ .
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ‘ For Smuggling Diamonds ‘ , ‘ Sexual Favors ‘ , ‘ Bribe Payoff ‘ , ‘ Drug Purchase ‘ , etc…
7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy ‘ .
8. don’t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘ To Go ‘.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask, Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won! ‘
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They ‘ re Loose! ‘
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘ Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. ‘
20. And The
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called … therapy.
Master Card Wedding - Priceless (I hope this is a True Story)
March 23, 2008
I get a ton of Jokes from my brother and other degenerates, so I will start adding some in the Rants section. I really hope this is a true story:
You got to love this guy…
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’ Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’ He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500. The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless. There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD
A Mastercard Wedding
JOKE: One wish….
March 23, 2008
Sent to me by my brother Pete:
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish
genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It
will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT
good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able
to find the right man. You know one that’s considerate and fun,
romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed,
and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the fucking map again.”
For the record my wish would be a time machine that works… yea… that would be cool…
PS: Happy Easter, More Blogs on the way.